Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
