grandma shit on top of the toilet
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She's the barista slut.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
