My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
