we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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