wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Welp...herpes.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
