Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
