Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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