Just fell off a train. Bad.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
