my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
