I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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