Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
