They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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