Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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