he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
