if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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