There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
