so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
