Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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