PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
