You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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