You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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