I swear she didn't look like that last week.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
