You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
