The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
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