with your own penis?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She's the barista slut.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
