She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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