nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
someone threw a dead crab at me
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
