Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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