My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
