just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
