I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
