On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
