i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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