i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
