Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
