When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
