theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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