Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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