hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
