Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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