Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
