there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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