Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
