I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
