so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
How many fucks given?
0.12846
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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