grandma shit on top of the toilet
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
