Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
