i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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