I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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