Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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